This time it's and his three "Forgetless" pages! [link]



Lemme just say that I'll probably never do multiple pages again. XD I really just liked these and thought they were a good example for a story telling crit.

Alright, the pros, lemme get those out first because really, there are some parts on these pages that really really warm my heart. I looove the color useage. And I think that as a color narrative, these work REALLY well. I think you had mentioned something about being inspired by for the 1st page. GOOD CALL, BUDDY. The colors are beautiful! I LOVE the clothing, I love the tshirt designs, it's very trendy, current, and nice to see something other than just a t-shirt and jeans.

AND NOW for some quick notes. Seriously, they're quick.

Page1:


I only have two suggestions color~wise on this first page. 1st suggestion would be to make the clothing on the characters in panels 2-3 even more blue green since you made them pretty monochromatically pink red in the 1st panel. I don't feel super strongly about it, but since they're set up that way in panel 1, I don't think it'd hurt to go more monochromatic on the peeps in the folowing panels. Also, my other suggestion would be to make the background directly behind the characters totally green. Right now it just looks like you did a red color/overlay/effects layer after just airbrushing a circle over the characters. It would also make the characters pop forward more if the background was that green instead of red. This one I feel much more strongly about.

Page2:


I LIKE how the character in the foreground is mostly in shadow. I think it's pretty awesome. BUT, if you're going to highlight her hips, I would recommend highlighting the ball of her nose and also the tops of her breasts, because those features pop out further from the body than the hips PLUS it gives JUST a little more definition to her figure which is nice. I think. Maybe I'm wrong. XD After three of these crits, I have no idea if I know what I'm doing anymore. XD

And the 2nd thing is the barrel of the gun on that bottom panel. The center should be highlighted!!! it's the top of the gun!!!

Btw, I LOVE how you mess with the focus and blur things in the panels, you do it really well. I've seen it pulled off awkwardly before but you do it really nicely. *high five*

Page 3:


Just going to focus on these two panels because I want to make a comment about their noses. The way that they're rendered when in profile and the way that they're colored make the noses feel REALLY detachable. Like they're so jarringly different in color + the lineart really makes it distracting and makes me want to pull the noses off the face. So I would suggest softening the use of pink, airbrush it on rather than floodfill or solid pencil it in and then also when you do profile, less lineart.

Here's the problem with too much lineart on faces. Especially with women. The more you lines you lay, the older/more awkward people tend to look. I think in this instance it would be better not to lay down contours all the way around the nose because you're connecting all these lines and like I've said several times, it's starting to detach the nose from the face.

But if you're in love with that line you put on the nose, definitely make it thinner. Like a lot thinner. It's way too thick.

Now, a few notes on the pages in general.



Ok, so I like to mentally think about where dialogue balloons will go because you'd be amazed at how much space text takes up and COVERS ART. YAY! You're doing a pretty good job leaving room for dialogue... I think... cause I don't have the script, but still, it's lookin good! That being said, there are a few panels where I hope you don't have a lot of text goin on. Page 3 last panel especially. Tight up mouth shots like that are rough. I'm guessing he yells out like one or two words, but yeah, much more than that and it might be awkward and tight.

And this brings me to the layout. I think in general it's good but it could use a little variance in how tight all of the panels are. I'd like to give the panels and the important information in them more breathing room. Like a lot of the panels are really tight in on the face or body features and take up most of the panel. Like, almost all of the important information is in the center of the panel and most of the time goes to the edge of the panel too. Now that I look at it, there's not one full body shot in any of these panels, everyone's cropped somewhere.

I'd also like to see more backgrounds like we see in panel 1 on page one and more environment to establish the scene. Like in the 2nd scene which starts on page 2, I know they're in a room with some bricks and a door but I don't really know the layout of the room or how big it is or much else about it.

And another thing. Remember, most rooms are never really THAT empty. There's usually stuff in rooms. It's easy to draw empty rooms, I know, but I really REALLY like to feel like a room is REALLY lived in. Adrian was amazing about that with Runaways, Michael Ryan too. Rooms are full of STUFF, put stuff in them!

AND TANGENTS. HOW I SPOT THEM SO! Page one, panel one, that guys arm leads into panel 3 his arm holding that ass and then on panel 4, the way his black hair is cut off by her finger, that creates a black shape that leads down into panel 5 his leg! Page 2, her body leads into his head, that's an interesting tangent there. Page 3 panel 3 the brunette's arm, the edge line leads down into the edge of the blonde's hair. Tangents tangents tangents! Watch out for these!

Also, watch the way your lines lead the reader's eye. As cool as panel 2 on page 2 is, that arm extended out with the gun, leads UP and AWAY from the next panel. Scott McCloud says you should story tell in a z formation. I don't think he's wrong. You want to graphically tell a story and escort a readers eye THRU the page and to do that, you gotta lead help lead it to the next panel. Remember that when you direct action.

Like page 3 panel three, her arm again extends up and away from the panel and the girl in the foreground, her head is tilted back and looking up, which does the same thing and make me look up at the previous panel and not the next.

Another thing I want you to work on is consistancy + anatomy. Some of the art is a little wonky. At times it's totally charming, like I LOVE page 2, all of it. Their figures and faces are cool and they just visually WORK for me, I just love looking at that page. But page 3 panel 4, his face is just... wonky. Like, his nose is all crooked and not aligned properly with his eye.

Lastly, let's talk some style here. In general I like it. But I'm going to say it. And I'm sure you won't be surprised when I do. It all TOTALLY reminds me of Josh Middleton. Page 3 panel 1 is straight up MIDDLETON. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but when pages like this have so many elements that remind someone of someone else's art, you have to be prepared to be compared to them. Which isn't always a good thing because instantly that sets you up to be negatively compared to someone. "This isn't as good as that, blah blah blah." Plus, if you want to get work, and you look too much like another artist, you might get the question, "Why would we hire you if we could hire him to begin with?" I heard that once during a DC lecture/panel thing right before they did crits years ago. I dunno, just something to chew on.

Alright, I'm hanging up my gloves for now, it's friday, I wanna go out with the hubby and friends. Karoke tonight!

Hope this was AT ALL HELPFUL. XD